& where I'm writing from now!
long time no write...
Hello again! I hope all is as peaceful & well with you as it can be in these difficult days we live. I haven't written in a long time about my recovery path but recently I've been wanting to get back blogging & thought it'd be sensible to start with where I'm writing from now & how I've got here. It's a year since I began recovery & its been a very long year, trust me, with so much change but I'm gonna whizz through it as speedily as poss!
Please be mindful of the TW attached ~ spend a few moments to check-in with yourself x
admission.
Trust me when I say I probably remember 15% of what happened from January to Autumn 2019 (that's what malnutrition does) but I'll try my hardest with chronology. After my post last year, I was admitted to The Priory Cheadle Royal as an NHS patient due to my physical & mental health with Anorexia Nervosa. I wanna keep this brief & may use future blog posts to chat a bit more about my experiences there but for now, the primary goal for the first few months was to get me physically stable so I was no longer at 'fatal risk', to be mentally aware, to limit self-harm & to be eating again. After what seemed like a long while, my observations were lowered & I was ready for therapy with a truly wonderful psychologist who guided be through The MANTRA, a DBT therapist who I did more behavioural stuff with, an occupational therapist and a family therapist to include mum & Bethan. In-between all the 1:1 therapy, eating, post-meal support ('specialing' is basically sitting still in the lounge for an hour after the dining room), dietetic input, blood tests & ECGs, ward rounds & breakdowns, we had therapy groups! These were a mix of CBT-E & DBT showing me skills which have helped me so very much on my path back into the community. Quite literally, my brain starting working again once my bod was getting nutrition & I see this as kind of a blessing ~ it was like my brain started afresh & began relearning to live & cope following the guidance of such wonderful therapists (all women I must say!) & so now, healthy coping behaviours & cognitive understanding are kind of ingrained in my brain. However, not to glamourise recovery, EDna's beliefs are equally entrenched & all the other intrusive thoughts from depression. I just have more healthy thoughts now & hopefully over the years, a better balance.
Anyway, all that was led by psychologists (under my ward's psychiatrist) but the people who helped me equally (if not more!) were the life-saving HCAs & nurses. I would not be here alive on our earth without them & their ceaseless patience, care & love. I dearly miss a very special few who I hold so close to my soul ~ EDna eventually stole my family & friends from me but as I was learning to rekindle with them, HCAs also became family. They were there night & day, always knew when I was in danger, how to comfort me & make me laugh, supported me at the dining table, put up with my moods, escaped with me for an hour to have (caffeinated!) coffee & a chat, stuck up for me in ward round, kept me safe on 1:1s & watched me sleep (sorry), rooted for me as we went out for snacks & meals, sat with me in the clinic room, played endless games with me & showed me hope. They made me feel human again & my heart is so full of immense gratitude.
discharge.
After going home for the first time in months on my birthday, I gradually built up days & nights leave from hospital to trial coping in the community. I was finally discharged in December (the best Christmas present!) & transferred to my home team's care for therapy, dietetic support & physical monitoring. Truthfully, the first few months & New Year especially were the most difficult I've faced. Adjusting from 24 hour 1:1 support with people who understand & are professionally trained to the very big, very real wider world was petrifying. Hospital was my safe place where I'd learnt how to cope & the perfectionist side of EDna thrived off the rules, rigid daily routine & cotton ball of support. I'd made my own world & 'family' I didn't want to leave behind as outside, my self-esteem to maintain relationships is fragile. Not to mention I had my dietitian & meal plan so knew the calories were calculated unlike at home. Leaving was terrifying to say the least ~ Cassie was ecstatic but scared, EDna was growing & manipulating. I won't go on too much as post-discharge support is something I really wanna chat about on future posts! Thankfully, I'm still here because of my family, our wonderful NHS & the Community Mental Health Team who, for a time, visited me daily to keep me safe.
& the months leading to now.
Once I began to feel stable & suicidal ideations lessened, I could focus on outpatient therapy. My team are amazing & I actually look forward to our meetings each week (apart from weigh-in...). I'm always left so inspired! From January, I've truly had some of the happiest times of my life! I've never felt closer to my friends, can't stop grinning & just wanna make friends with everyone. I'm learning to tell mum & Bethan when I feel low & show how much I love them ~ typed letters on a blog cannot fathom my feelings. I can finally feel! Before I was a numb zombie unable to feel a thing.
Life wise, The Vegetarian Cookery School so very kindly gave me a scholarship to complete their Vegan Cooking Foundation Course & then another for a diploma in Professional Vegan Cooking (which I can't wait to restart post-lockdown)! Just this week I've moved out of home, away from my comfort blanket & to a place I'm hoping I finally get to live. I can't wait to work, meet all sorts of new souls & walk an independent path not having to rely on professionals or loved ones to keep me safe. Although it's been tough & confusing, I'm grateful to moving for showing me just how easily EDna can take control & make things slide but a lapse is not a relapse ~ I hope to talk about coping with change in another blog post!
It's a year since I began treading this path & I'm not gonna glamourise recovery because that's just as dangerous as glamourising mental illness. Recovery can be as soul-destroying as anorexia herself & sometimes more so as we're constantly infuriating EDna by saying no. But their end paths couldn't be more different! I've moved onto therapy for body dysmorphia & EDna is stronger in that area now more than ever because she's never been challenged there ~ what she says about my body, Cassie takes as fact & ignores whoever challenges her. & now I'm weight restored she hates me & my bod even more! But more on that stuff, therapy & coping mechanisms in the future ...
now.
Talking about our experiences not only ends the stigma attached to mental illness, but also offers powerful comfort of understanding to anybody & everybody struggling at the mo. From my ramblings in upcoming posts, I hope to help even just one person to get through the moment; the hour or the day. Sharing for me is scary & makes me feel as if I'll be judged which I hate but to quash these beliefs, we must challenge them directly. & I love writing as it's so cathartic & freeing! EDna thrives in isolation & silence ~ I'm no longer pandering towards her comfort zone! I feel like I can start to write rationally now with a healthy mindset as my bod & brain are finally restoring after years upon years of abuse ~ I've always been desperate to support people & I'm so glad I'm becoming healthy enough to finally be able to. That's one thing that's way up high on my 'Reasons to Recover' list!
Thank you for lending me your peepers today ~ it truly means so very much to me!
You are helping grow understanding & awareness of one of the most complex mental illnesses out there & tragically, the one with the highest mortality rate. Let's bEAT this!
I'll love you & leave you with this gorgeous gesture I walk past everyday ~ where would we be without our glorious NHS workers who save so many lives ... thank you & thank you for saving mine x
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