Small Update: Paving my Path for Recovery
hello... me again.
I'm back rambling after some difficult patches & a hiatus from the wider world. Before getting back to writing, I think it'd be best to start with a short & honest explanation about what's been going on & how I'd like to change the words I use, nosh I post & ideas I natter about. Not the ins-&-outs of anorexia. That doesn't mean I'm ashamed of mental illness (being unwell isn't a personal failure) but she's just a bit dull! Instead, I think by mindfully considering what any kind of sickness has granted us & being grateful for its presence guides us to a path of compassion rather than of torment & relapse.
a quick summing-up.
As I've said, I intend on being brief so we can focus on what's to come & not dwell on what's (hopefully) starting to turn into history. I have a tendency to downplay everything so I think I'll just try to state fact.
In my previous post, I went into quite a bit of detail mental health wise but a lot has happened since then. The eating disorder (I've named her EDna because she's very much an identity thief!) rapidly consumed just about everything in my life & has put it in critical condition. Apologies in advance ... this time is a big confused mess to me & I don't remember a lot of it or how things deteriorated. The nature of a starved body & of anorexia nervosa inevitably means a starved mind which leads to all sorts of scary abnormalities.
I remember each day was like trying to grasp at little threads of Cassie while EDna chopped them all off. She steals everything ~ uses me as a puppet ~ destroys my body ~ forces me into isolation ~ keeps me awake 22 hours of the day while telling me she's my closest friend & the only comfort I have. EDna dictates my body by killing it, my mind by deluding it & my soul by crumbling it.
At the moment, I'm gearing up for an inpatient admission to a mental health hospital for psychological, physical & psychiatric treatment. I've stubbornly ignored the experts for too long ~ EDna tells me I'm not sick enough to be there & other people are ill but not me. I'm a fraud & spending months in the unit will just be a burden on our NHS. I don't deserve help unlike the other souls trailing the same track. I'm not ill!
As you can see, I find it hugely difficult to accept that I'm unwell but one thing I do realise is how EDna has stolen my life. But no more! No more causing my family pain. No more obsessions. No more hair loss. No more collapsing. No more eating my organs. No more blue fingertips. No more body dysmorphia. No more delirium. No more pain sitting down because of my bones. No more feeling 0 emotions whatsoever. No more self-harm. No more suicidal tendencies. No more laxatives. No more bone loss. No more stealing my passions. No more shame. No more lying to my family. No more throbbing ribs. No more blanking out. No more being frozen 24/7. No more being at high physical risk. No more amenorrhea. No more isolation. No more lanugo. No more baggy clothes. No more scales. No more self-hatred.
giving recovery a whirl.
Like I said, it's truly petrifying living completely in EDna's boots so it's time to accept the inevitable. If I wasn't to give recovery a try in hospital, I wouldn't be here. It's not that I want to be unwell, I more than anything long for healthy happiness but EDna is so intoxicating & believable that leaving her terrifies me. Life without rituals & her comforting control is chaotic. At least with EDna, I have my own little familiar world which I know how to perfect & where I know what's around the corner. If I fall out of line, self-punishment follows. If I stick to EDna's rules, the pain she makes me feel somehow comforts me & gives me a quick buzz before it's back to work. Back to self-destruction.
I'm starting to realise that if I carry on at EDna's pace, there won't be that much longer left. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder but unfortunately, lives can only be saved if the soul themselves chooses recovery.
I'm dipping my toe in the water. If not for me, for those EDna has made suffer. I expect it'll take years - maybe months in hospital, probably with a handful of relapses afterwards - but these will be years of painful work & struggle I would never have been able to see if EDna had her way!
as for nourishing nosh...
I'm hoping nourishing nosh will trekking by my side ... offering inspiration & filling my tummy once I'm out of the ward. Writing my thoughts here brings so much joy ~ I love doing this for my own self-compassion as well as for the love of vegan food! Because if you haven't noticed, I LOVE grub ... no matter what EDna says.
As I'm beginning to understand my illness & the unhealthy behaviours it comes with, I've spotted patterns in my past posts that are alarming. All of my words so far have been written while EDna has been dominating my actions so first off I'd like to apologise. My attitudes have be skewed & though I tried my hardest not to allow my personal anorexia/orthorexia-controlled beliefs to intrude my blog & to keep it as EDna free as possible, I'm now starting to see how she crept into nourishing nosh too.
So, with awareness, I'm refurbishing! Mixing up wholesome, balanced recipes & nattering about their tastes ~ origins ~ smells ~ true health benefits ~ colours ~ varieties ~ textures. Using only chirpy language. Holding all food as equal. Encouraging balance, intuitive eating & food freedom.
As for this neck of the woods, I think I'd find it therapeutic while in hospital to talk a little about recovery on nosh natters. Some words perhaps to support others with similar illnesses or tendencies. What to expect ~ help on keeping safe & well ~ self-compassion hints ~ motivation ~ realities of mental illness ~ truths I've learnt along the way.
But what I think I'm most excited to share with you (on here & on Instagram!) is the nosh. That's what it's all about! Facing fear foods is going to be so tough sometimes but I'm unbelievably excited to share my grinning, high-as-a-kite chops with you as I chomp down on some good grub. Trust me, it's hands down the most sensational feeling EVER tasting food for the first time after SO long. I had my first potato recently ... yes I had a tear in my eye ... no, I'm not embarrassed about crying over spuds.
& i thank you.
For lending you eyes & giving my blog a few moments of your day. Enough of the pain & suffering to reach a pedestal of perfection in a pipe dream world. The only pain & suffering I strive for now is while scrambling on my path to recovery & leaving EDna high & dry.
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