My Path: Mental Illness
hello.
I’d like to start off by saying I’m writing this on a positive day. Often it feels difficult to accept positive days because NHS ‘criteria’ needs you to be a vegetable if all you want is an inch of support. But I’m slowly learning to embrace my happy smiles as even with the most painful of mental illnesses, you can still smile. I was inspired to write this after spending days searching for a London based eating disorder support group. The loneliness I felt while having no luck reminded me of the so-called ‘support’ I’ve had in the past. I’d like to share these memories to inspire anybody else feeling vulnerable to search for others experiencing similar emotions. Thank you Sweet Cavanagh, I'll talk about you a little more later on.
If you’re currently experiencing any form of vulnerability, please take a moment to listen to your self & decide whether to read ahead. As even though the realities of ‘our’ government’s so-called ‘shared society’ need to be shouted from the rooftops without any shame whatsoever, we have to mindfully consider others & their ability to cope. So please stop scrolling if you think there’s a chance of being distressed by my words. As the last thing I want to do is exacerbate low mental health.
I hope my words will be proof of how far from the truth the romantic lens that social media ~ popular figures ~ TV & film ~ young people often put mental illness through. Illnesses slowly kill every inch of your life as you watch, trying to claw it back. It is not a glamourised ‘aesthetic’. Adopting such a constructed ‘image’ is toxic to those experiencing the truth & completely trivialises their emotions. Illnesses strip the self of capability & are utterly shattering to those who love you.
I would like to share my history & experiences with mental health issues as for years now I’ve labelled them insignificant. Not worthy of being shared with anybody. Some people may think I’m being self-absorbed sharing such private thoughts & don’t get me wrong, most hours of the day (& probably after I’ve posted this) I’ll feel that way too. That’s the concoction of mental illness & an often unwelcoming audience, they make you bottle it up until the glass breaks & you’re left in a big mess.
This may take me a while as I’m not all that great with being concise & have a lot to tell. I’d like to (very) briefly track through emotions ~ reactions ~ support I’ve experienced over the years & then talk about the now. Thank you for lending your eyes this far.
a little bit of history.
From being very young I remember emotions of despair ~ hatred of myself. Though some of this was part of being a 7/8 year old, I realise now that I was confused about my reoccurring low mood.
Things escalated on leaving primary school & beginning high school. I felt incredibly low at times with lots of bubbling rage at my life. Again, I know some of my emotions were down to age but my behaviour wasn’t healthy or – to want of a better word - ‘normal’. I remember distinctly being told I felt the out of control lows because of hormones ... then a year later apparently I couldn’t stop self-harming because I liked Nirvana. I sometimes felt suicidal at the smallest of things ~ being so angry at myself that I dropped something or wasn’t neat in my work. The dismissal of children’s mental health is dangerous & causes so many emotions to escalate down their paths.
At age 11 to around 15, lots of factors contributed to my emotions & impacted future mental health. I’d like to mention them quickly. My overweight body & body image ~ home life ~ my interests compared to others ~ psychical abuse ~ lack of serious friendships ~ my relationship with food ~ emotional abuse ~ my inability to support loved ones in pain ~ my growing frustration ~ my loneliness.
I didn’t have many friends & am still confused about how those things work! Emotions began to spiral. Since being 13, I have found self-harm gives me just a little bit of control ~ it releases rage & is a coping mechanism. But the thing is with coping mechanisms, they seem to morph into very different faces & just never work. But they like you to think they do. So you keep on doing them.
Reading this back, I sound so bloody miserable & usually I’m not ~ I don’t blame anybody who’s closed the tab! But low mental health is miserable. To be respectful to those also deeply involved in a shared path & who I love, a confusing childhood has inevitably impacted my current self. But it’s too easy for our society to lay young people’s mental health issues on ‘trouble at home’. My emotions were not taken seriously. Uninhibited behaviours were just part of ‘being a teenager’. I resorted to talking to a high school teacher about my health. Though I’m immensely grateful for this, teachers don’t get paid enough to hear such things as I shared. & certainly aren’t trained in therapy.
Moving on & starting college. Though there was a disturbing personal situation that fuelled anxiety, I was so excited to make friends. At first this happened all at once & it showed ~ I was confident in my body & self & actually went out! But lo & behold, the issues left untreated came creeping back just when things were sunnier. Like always. They stole my friendships & my ability to make friends & my smile & my worth & my confidence & manifested into isolating myself ~ studying constantly as a coping mechanism ~ having flashbacks ~ out of control dangerous & strange behaviour ~ anger ~ wearing baggy clothes & I believe switching from disordered eating to an eating disorder. You’re supposed to be having ‘the time of your life’ in your youthful bliss ~ slipping from the embers of teenage-hood to independence. But mental illness claims you & steals these moments as you watch others enjoy them.
The 'support' offered by the NHS made my health deteriorate. I still feel utterly worthless. Obviously I wasn’t ill enough for the criteria. Apparently I’m still not! Why would I want to go outside if I wasn’t worthy enough? Why should I not wear the same clothes day-in-day-out? Why should I be confident? Why should I be allowed to concentrate on my classes & not think about self-harm?
I was overwhelmed & in May 2017 I tried to kill myself. Writing this is extremely difficult & I don’t remember everything but I’d like to show how UNglamorous mental illness is. It’s wholeheartedly believing that your life was slowly but immediately ending. It’s being shut in a room the size of cupboard for 5 hours ~ lay on trolley ~ staring at a whitewashed wall ~ reflecting. It’s waiting for somebody to tell me I wasn’t going to die. Then being moved to a ward for a nurse to assume as she was checking my blood; “oh dear, did you go out with your friends tonight then?”. It’s torture.
After being hospitalised, it took until November for NHS contact. Months of agonising. Not even an update. I was 17 & still a child. A summer ‘holiday’ spent aching for just a letter. Funnily enough, I’m back to square one & it’s nearly 2 years on.
I hopefully don’t need to use this space to express how endlessly grateful I am to my mum & my sister for their understanding in the most difficult behaviours. Their pain & frustration may look different to mine, but it holds the same worth. Thinking of those souls without such support people sends waves of hurt across my chest. I know for certain I wouldn’t be here today without Bethan & mum. My thoughts of them when I feel dangerous keep me safe. I seek treatment for the two I love.
encounters with mental health services.
As for the ‘treatment’ in November, it was 12 weekly sessions of mindfulness with CAMHS. Supposed to be 1hr long but usually 40 minutes. Sometimes 20. I was given some children’s worksheets ~ ‘10 things you love about yourself’, ‘in the future, I want to be…’. I was told to imagine myself lying on a beach or to colour in when I felt so scared for my life that I was going to do something horrific.
I don’t want to explain everything about my experiences with the NHS but I’d like to give an overview. It still really upsets me & I avoid thinking about it as it deters me from seeking support now. & I’d also like to say it’s my personal choice not to medicate. This has undoubtedly made it harder to access treatment as the sickeningly common ‘quick fix’ mentality of medicating to install 'normal' behaviours brushes those who don’t want it aside. But that's another matter.
After CAMHS (which I was too old for), I went back to my GP numerous times & amongst other things was offered group support with around 30 others ~ after excruciatingly explaining my past, a woman on the phone invited me to confidence boosting sessions at the local library ~ I was in limbo between CAMHS & IAPT ~ my counsellor of 2 years wrote a letter suggesting medical tests but wasn’t listened to either ~ what about an online course? Download this app? I felt this was happening because I failed at everything, including killing myself.
Throughout my time at college I was seeing a counsellor. I know counselling doesn’t work for everybody & it certainly didn’t for me the 1st time but my 2nd experience was one of the best things to have ever happened to me. At first, I enjoyed just releasing thoughts without being worried about hurting the listener. Then as things became more serious, the support was unbelievable. Finding somebody so considerate, who you have such a connection to, is life-changing. It was strange leaving college because although I was SO relieved, I was also dreading it. I miss my counsellor so much.
Thankfully, somehow, I don’t know how, the awful thing inside me (I don’t like to label it) seemed to reduce into a more manageable size. It still cropped up frequently but I had the strength shoo it away over summer 2018 & not let it consume each & every one of my thoughts.
the present & the eating disorder.
Yes, it’s now back in a new disguise but I think before everything, it’s important to share that I’m still in the process of accepting this eating disorder as most of the time recovery scares the living daylights out of me. So please be mindful that I’m speaking as somebody just coming to terms with reality. To put it simply, it’s like half of me (the real me; the me who is happy & loves music ~ food ~ nature ~ art ~ films ~ books) knows I need to recover but the other half of me (the more dominant me; the eating disorder) has been left to grow for so long it consumes my whole identity. It’s no longer a half & it certainly doesn’t want to recover because recovery means ‘I’ lose control & my identity. But deep down I know ‘I’ won’t lose control, he will. Neither am ‘I’ in control now. I need to accept that truth.
It’s quite clear that this thing took the main stage once there was room. I began restricting a lot more than I already was in summer then university hit & my eating disorder loves it. Nobody you love watching you. 'Freedom'.
It's heart-breaking for me every single day. I love learning but I can’t concentrate nor can I write like I used to in a more nourished self. I sit in lectures obsessing over food & can’t stop despite being enthralled by the topic. People ask me to go out but I can’t because what if there’s unplanned food? I can’t eat my ‘safe foods’ if I’m out. The amount of time it steals from me makes me cry nearly everyday. It defines everything – I got a job to raise my confidence but the main reason why ‘I’ enjoy it is because of the exercise & time spent not potentially eating. My confidence doesn’t exist.
I wake up thinking about food & exercise, I spend the day thinking about food & exercise, I go to sleep thinking about food & exercise. That’s if I do sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours due to the state of my body. It might sound silly but I dream about food I don’t allow myself to eat. Every single day I drag myself to supermarkets just to trudge the aisles gawping at food. Occasionally, I might buy something which isn’t a ‘safe food’. But I throw it away when I’m home. I have impulses to steal because if I didn’t pay for it it’s not mine, right? So then if I eat it, that it doesn’t really count, right? No. In what world is that okay?
It’s going too far & I can’t stop it. I feel & see the physical & emotional impacts change everyday. Eating disorders are so frequently glamourised but having amenorrhea for over 2 years or slurring your words or not being able to show your emotions because you’re deadpan or being unable to concentrate for 10 minutes or bursting out into tears or medication abuse or body checking or your hair falling out or clothes not fitting you or struggling to form new relationships or exhaustion or seriously thinking you have a huge body while you’re dangerously underweight isn’t particularly glamorous in my eyes. I don't know about your's.
But, annoyingly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been ~ I’m at university in a city I love ... in June 2018 I was considering not going to university. So why am I self-destructing when I’m so bloody happy? This thing is ruining my life & I sit & watch in physical & emotional pain but still let it carry on.
I get ridiculously excited about food ~ I LOVE it. I have a vegan food blog but it’s ruined that for me. One of my main loves in life. I hate my posts. I still post daily but I want my food blog back. The blog I have so many ideas & plans for but am unable to even begin thinking about. It really really hurts.
At work there are tonnes of vegan traders where I can get free nosh ~ a skint student & free food! I tell myself before each shift I’ll try something ~ they all look & smell amazing & I get unbelievably excited & imagine the taste & inspiration for recipes & the pictures & the post on my blog! But I still walk past, look at people enjoying them & go for a walk around the block on my break instead. It’s so unfair.
I know this disorder isn’t about food, it’s something beneath. But what does recovery mean? How do people live without obsessing over food & exercise? What do people think about all day? Parts of recovery will mean re-learning the default setting of intuitive eating. Like a child ~ I need to go through the process of understanding mindful habits to fuel my body when it wants & how it wants.
encountering support today.
Even though I’m petrified of letting go, I went to my GP in November because the real me knows how serious this is becoming. & déjà vu ... I spent months in pain waiting for just a letter. & it was what I should have expected, nothing new. I was rejected for treatment. Why? My BMI wasn’t low enough.
Of course such a letter to a vulnerable mind just throws everything off course. As if it wasn’t haywire already. Not to my rational self but to the eating disorder, that means even though it’s unnatural for my body to be so small & even though it’s dangerous to function while eating less that I already was, I just need to lose a tiny bit more to fit into the criteria. Because if my worth is tiny then my body must be. But it’s never a little bit more because disorders don’t work like that. You’ll get there & it’s not good enough. I’m still ‘overweight’. It puts me in control of 1 thing in life even though my rational self is sat watching, petrified about what is going to happen.
Truthfully, I don’t want to be ‘thin’. Although I seriously don’t have a clue what I look like (to me I’m ginormous), I don’t think I’d look good being underweight. Not for anyone else, just for me. All bodies are different & all values of attraction are different. But my BMI is critically underweight. I can't stop; it’s my identity now & what else am I without it nagging in my ear? I’m so scared to lose the comfort of dangerous behaviours & routines & that voice in my head. But I’m writing this because I want a life.
I know it’s an AWFUL lot but I think I’d like to leave it there with regards to my experiences. I hope my honesty has maybe inspired at least 1 person to realise their worth for support. I’d just like to stress that no tick boxes or questionnaire can define whether you need support or not ~ no diagnosis can determine whether you’re worthy of treatment. Yes, being diagnosed may help getting to the root of the problem but if you’re not ready for that, that’s okay. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist this week & I am petrified about being diagnosed. I have never wanted to be & still don’t. It’ll make everything tower over me & define me even more. But it's necessary now.
a few coping tips while waiting?
I think perhaps if I feel confident after posting this, I’d like to upload shorter writing on actions & thoughts that have helped me while experiencing the agony of NHS support. Personalised self-care is wonderful but when you’re at your lowest, I know this isn’t even thinkable. If at all anybody would be interested, maybe a post on this would be beneficial?
actions & words & thoughts & behaviours & awareness & change.
Finally I’d like to speak about a few simple ways everybody can raise awareness about eating disorders ~ however little or large they understand them. Because the stigma attached is unimaginable.
The UK & especially NHS England is in desperate need of reform. Eating disorders cost the economy £16.8 billion annually ~ not even considering the cost to those forced to seek private support due to waiting lists. We need to reduce inpatient care not just for the health of those admitted, but for those on waiting lists. Anorexia has a higher mortality rate than any other mental illness.
On average, it takes 3 years for people to seek help. It’s certainly taken me those 3 years & more to come to terms with reality. But if treatment isn’t began immediately, relapse is 50% more likely. So please have a think about some of the simple actions you can take to make a HUGE difference...
1. Sweet Cavanagh
I’ve only been attending support group for a few weeks now but I already don’t know where I’d be without it. The lunch & jewellery making afternoons with such lovely & understanding women & the evening group therapy sessions get me through the week. Creativity frees the mind. I already cannot thank the Free Me Charity enough ~ I just wish there were more people who knew of similar support as there are only 5 of us in the group. We should hold parties to celebrate such generous & lifesaving organisations! But unfortunately there aren't enough out there ~ boys & men especially are suffering. So, I’d like to link a donation page for the Free Me charity. I don't want to pressure but if Sweet Cavanagh had a little more funding, imagine the glorious change other women’s lives!
2. Watch your words
& your mouth. Take time to be conscious of how your language may impact others ~ whether they have an eating disorder or not. Simple things like ‘I’ve eaten SO much today! I’ve had…’ ~ ‘I hate ‘x’ thing about me, I wish I had ‘x’ body shape’ ~ ‘I’m on this new diet…’ ~ ‘you’ve eaten well’ or ‘is that all you’re having?’. It’s fab to talk about bodies & food but look for the signs… is the person you’re speaking to comfortable? Are they asking for details about your diet ~ intake ~ fitness?
3. Laugh
This BBC3 ‘Things Not To Say... to someone with an eating disorder’ is bloody brilliant!
4. I Weigh Movement
This will only take a second. Sign Jameela’s petition to STOP celebrities promoting toxic diet products on social media. Need I say more?
5. Diet Culture
You don’t need to have a disorder to be damaged. #fitspo #beforeandafter #beachbody #cleaneating ~ photoshop & (something my sister had to explain to me) Facetune ~ MyFitnessPal or Fitbit ~ abs ~ masculinity being defined by weight training ~ fat shaming ~ intermittent fasting ~ low carb ~ waist trainers ~ appetite suppressants ~ Slimming World or Weight Watchers ~ misogynistic popular culture ~ Kardashians’ multi-million dollar constructed images.
6. Take Out Pro-Ana
If you see it, KILL IT. Because it kills too many. How are these sites & posts legal?
7. Get Informed
It’s okay to know very little, I’m certainly no expert! Just a 5 minute Google search will allow you to understand SO much more. Glance at the pictures of Beat campaign material I've uploaded here too…
8. Spot The Signs & Save Lives
Don’t stigmatise. If you’re worried about somebody, maybe have a quick chat. It doesn’t have to be serious! I love talking to my sister about things as even though its far from funny, I can joke. Maybe suggest taking a look at Beat ~ unfollowing certain social media accounts ~ following positive ones ~ using body positive language. Just showing your compassion & understanding means so much.
9. Activism
Download some brilliant campaigner resources here to raise awareness! I’m spreading my leaflets, posters, stickers, cards around university. Where can you make a change?
10. Beat UK
Such a wonderful charity for those experiencing eating disorders, those in recovery & SO importantly, those struggling to cope with their loved ones others suffering. They had fab ways to donate… from eBay-ing to restaurant table reservations!
& goodbye.
I'm not sure how I feel. Well, I know I feel so afraid to put this out in the world. But sharing is a vital stop on the pathway to recovery that I must visit.
Thank you for being so kind to lend your eyes ~ I am full of gratitude x
(I'm too scared to proof read this!)
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